Fionn O’ Riordan died suddenly at a café on Tuesday, survived by his mother Saoirse and his father Jonathan as well as two sisters. Fionn, a noted hipster, enjoyed having intellectual discussions about how much his late-teen acid use ‘opened his eyes’ and wearing a homeless man’s bowler hat because it had soul. Fionn choked to death on an organic crab mousse served in a Bronze age pot lying on a plank whilst in the midst of a conversation where it was pointed out to him that having a dissenting opinion on movies, music, or clothes, or boasting clever or obscure possessions, is the method by which middle-class people fight one another for status. Hipsters, then, are the direct result of this cycle of indie, ironic, clever consumerism thus his whole existence is ironic and futile in the sense that the very act of trying to run counter to the culture is what creates the next wave of culture people will in turn attempt to counter by calling you out for the dirty, smelly sock-sniffer you know you are. Sadly missed by his family and friends.

Reposing at Murray’s Funeral Home on Wednesday from 6:30pm to 8pm.

Burial Friday in an organic, biodegradable burial pod that literally turns a person’s remains into nutrients for a beautiful tree growing directly up above. May he rest in peace.