Ireland

Flash Floods

 

I don’t know what it is I find so intriguing about watching buildings or cars get destroyed by nature but I do. It just has this hypnotic awe about it, especially water, maybe it is just the speed at which mankind’s creations can be destroyed by nature.

The video above is of a flash flood destroying a hospital in Nebraska.  There were no injuries and nobody died.

Something identical happened to a hospital in Ireland recently and it had to be closed down. Last year the same hospital was hit by a flash flood and it cost €25 million to repair, it didn’t even last twelve months. Oops! Wouldn’t you love to be the contractor who got that job?

‘Hello?’

‘Yes?’

‘Do you remember that job we gave you on the flooded hospital a few months ago?’

‘I do.’

‘Yeah, well it’s under water…again.’

‘I’ll come out and have a look. But it’ll cost you €2 million.’

‘For what?’

‘To have a look.’

‘You don’t need a look. It looks like a fucking fish tank.’

‘Well…there are consulting fees and the like.’

‘Fine. See ya tomorrow.’

That’s how we roll in Ireland. They will probably hire the same guys to do the repairs and next time somebody takes a piss and misses the toilet, the hospital  will flood.

Then there will have to be an inquiry into the building contractors, followed by a tribunal that will last eight years and produce a five hundred page report which will have recommendations on how  to  avoid such a fuckup again…but the recommendations will never be implemented because nobody can remember what the whole fuss was about in the first place.

 

 

Seagulls

Steven-Seagull-730

 

Like some kind of Irish version of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, one Irish politician has decided in the age of austerity, poverty and high unemployment, that people should stop worrying about cancelled Garth Brooks concerts and should instead focus on the very real problem of………seagulls

Dublin seagulls to be precise, obviously a different breed of a seagull than the seagulls the rest of us has to put up with regularly.

‘Dublin seagulls have lost the run of themselves completely and must be stopped!’ Ned O’ Sullivan said.

Ned O’Sullivan said seagulls have “lost the run of themselves” in Dublin City and are even taking lollipops from children.

The bastards, is there no low these pesky seagulls won’t sink to? It’s bad enough they leave your car looking like Jason Pollock did the paintwork, but they are stealing lollipops from kids too? That is where I draw the line. We need to take some lessons from Israel and react to a tickle with an almighty fucking punch. We need Steven Seagal Seagull to kick their feathered arses, so they stop behaving like animals.

I do agree with Ned on the seagulls though, seagulls really are the Chavs of the sky. They skwawk at you aggressively while you’re minding your own business, mess up your car when you leave it parked, breed recklessly and scavenge wherever they go, and it is illegal to shoot them.

The World Cup

‘Look what I found,’ Jimmy said, pulling an old kettle out of the boot of a car at a car boot sale and rubbing the dust off it.

‘Well done,’ I sneered. ‘In the land of tea and kettles, you have found a kettle.’

As he wiped the dust off the old kettle, a genie appeared and granted Jimmy one wish.

‘I wish I could live forever,’ Jimmy replied.

‘I can’t grant wishes of immortality,’ the genie replied.

‘I want to die when the Republic of Ireland win the World Cup,’ Jimmy replied.

‘You clever bastard!’ The genie shouted.