Learner Driver

‘I was trying to get home in time for the football,’ Jimmy said,  ‘But I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stopping and starting the entire time.’

‘Did you beep her?’ I asked. ‘That really helps learner drivers under stress.’

‘No. I shouted come on, you stupid whore! Get a fucking move on! Then she started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.’

Ice Bucket Challenge

I love the Ice Bucket Challenge. Watching millionaire celebrities having a bucket of ice cold water flung over their heads on YouTube is great. Despite their immense wealth they are still generous, still one of us. It cheers me up no end. And it is for a good cause. I think they should mix it up a little though.

The Lice Bucket challenge would be great. You throw a bucket of lice over someone. The entertainment aspect of this would be great as you watch celebrities tear the hair out of their head for weeks afterwards. Hilarious. And it is all for a good cause.

Birds Flying High You Know How I Feel

The days might be getting a little bit shorter, the street-lights come on a little earlier in the evenings, but at 06:00am the summer sun still finds that one crack in the blinds that hits me in the face as I wake up. I can hear someone starting their car. Birds are chirping. The swallows that have built their nest outside my window make darting shadows across the blinds. I can hear the next door neighbour’s child crying or calling, it’s a weird cry, it’s almost musical, like oh, wo, oh wo.

I mumble fuck off to the birds and the baby before releasing a twenty two second fart which changes note three times and forces the dog to leave the room. I turn over to the cool side of the pillow and laugh myself back to sleep.