Seagulls

Steven-Seagull-730

 

Like some kind of Irish version of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, one Irish politician has decided in the age of austerity, poverty and high unemployment, that people should stop worrying about cancelled Garth Brooks concerts and should instead focus on the very real problem of………seagulls

Dublin seagulls to be precise, obviously a different breed of a seagull than the seagulls the rest of us has to put up with regularly.

‘Dublin seagulls have lost the run of themselves completely and must be stopped!’ Ned O’ Sullivan said.

Ned O’Sullivan said seagulls have “lost the run of themselves” in Dublin City and are even taking lollipops from children.

The bastards, is there no low these pesky seagulls won’t sink to? It’s bad enough they leave your car looking like Jason Pollock did the paintwork, but they are stealing lollipops from kids too? That is where I draw the line. We need to take some lessons from Israel and react to a tickle with an almighty fucking punch. We need Steven Seagal Seagull to kick their feathered arses, so they stop behaving like animals.

I do agree with Ned on the seagulls though, seagulls really are the Chavs of the sky. They skwawk at you aggressively while you’re minding your own business, mess up your car when you leave it parked, breed recklessly and scavenge wherever they go, and it is illegal to shoot them.

E-Joints

You’ve heard of E-Cigarettes, right? Well, now thanks to the wonderful people in The Netherlands (I feel sorry they got knocked out of the World Cup now, ah, well, maybe they might get a Nobel prize for this) they have produced the world’s first electronic spliff and they are being rolled out across Europe.

Produced in the Netherlands, it allows users to fill the stick with their own cannabis liquid or dry herbs.

It is being produced by E-Njoint BV, which already makes 10,000 fruit-flavoured joints every day, and, which are sent out throughout Europe. They contain no tobacco and are 100 percent legal.

The company is now in discussion with a business specialising in helping produce products for the health industry. Brilliant, finally a cure for my made-up undiagnosed back pain.

Of course, any such attempt to legalise cannabis/marijuana will be met with staunch resistance here in Ireland. The Church would oppose it, the same way they opposed condoms, the pill, abortion, divorce, same-sex marriage, happiness, peace and compassion.

Same-sex marriage and legalised drugs. In the same century? I don’t think so. The religious folk will be screaming from the rafters. However, it was God after all who said that if a man lay with another man, he should be stoned. That sounds like an endorsement of same-sex marriage and cannabis to me. Sex and drugs, that is what the Bible is all about, and leprosy, there is a fair bit of leprosy in it too.

I think Jesus would approve though. In fact, I think he would be all ‘Judge Not Least You Be Judged’ about drugs, and he would probably try some of it himself. In fact, I think he’d try all of it. Send out his disciples to get him a little of everything. Jesus would be waiting at the door and next thing Paul would be knocking on it.

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Paul.’

Jesus opens the door. ‘What gifts have you brought me, Paul?’

‘Hashish from Morocco.’

‘Fair play, Paul, fair play. I’m going to move you up my list of favourites. Let’s go smoke some shit.’

Another knock …

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Mark.’

Jesus opens the door. ‘Mark, you little rascal, what have you brought me, your lord and saviour?’

‘Marijuana from Colombia.’

‘Fair fucks, Mark,’ Jesus shouts, slapping Mark on the back.

Another knock …

‘Who is it?”

‘It’s Matthew.’

Jesus opens the door. ‘Matthew, what ya got for me?’’

‘Cocaine from Bolivia.’

‘Deadly stuff, Matthew!’

Of course, even Jesus is not immune from friends in low places, and the next knock on the door would be Judas.

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Judas.’

Jesus would open the door wearily. Once crucified, twice shy. ‘What did you bring Judas?’

‘Four cops and a sniffer dog, motherfucker!’

 
There’s always one.

 

Huh? What’cha say? Cuts?

The Irish Government recently cut €1.2 million funding from 26 organisations, which provide services for people with rare and severe disabilities. The reduced funding means The Irish Deaf Society will close its advocacy service. The Migraine Association is fucked as is the Huntingdon’s Disease Association.

The Irish austerity policy of taking from the poor to give to the rich has moved onto they have no money take whatever small meagre semblance of hope they might possess stage, and early indications are it is working well. We’ll be out of economic debt in no time.

The few remaining survivors will be living in an economic fucking wasteland, but some old, rich, white men in suits will be able to put away a few million Euros for their grandchildren’s nieces. That’s nice.

I think the Irish Deaf Society is a shrewd move by the Government. It’s a win-win situation. You save some cash, and they are all deaf so it’s not like they are going to hear about it. And even if they did, what would do they? Take to the streets and protest against the decision?

‘What do we want?’

‘Hearing aids.’

‘When do we want it?’

‘Hearing aids.’

Dreams

‘You know,’ Jimmy said, ‘lately I have been having this really strange dream.’

 
‘It’s not the Boy George thing again, is it?’ I asked. ‘Because I don’t want to know about it.’

 
‘No, it’s not that. This one has no nudity, but it’s still strange all the same.’

 
‘What is it?’

 
‘Every morning I wake up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings.’

 
‘That’s it?’

 
‘That’s it,’ Jimmy said. ‘Weird, isn’t it? It’s even more weird than that time I looked across the street and saw some of the cast from Lord of the Rings, but when I asked them for autographs, they ignored me. And then I realised they were just ordinary trees.’

 
‘It’s not that weird,’ I replied. ‘You’ve just been Tolkien in your sleep.’

Unbroken Ties, Keeping Secrets 2

J.D. Gallagher:

Loved Legend Unleashed, Book 1 and looking forward to Book 2. Well worth checking out.

Originally posted on M. Latimer-Ridley:

We’re back! Yes it has been a while, but we’re picking up lots of momentum recently and everything is back on track and progressing nicely!

So here it is, the cover for our next book, due out at the end of August – drum roll please… Unbroken Ties, Keeping Secrets 2!

Book 2 cover!!

Book 2 cover!!

We hope you guys like it! Please let us know what you think. The cover was designed and made my ourselves here at MLR and we’re v.happy with the results!

So, yes, this is book 2 in our Keeping Secrets series (Young Adult, Urban Fantasy), continuing on from Legend Unleashed (Keeping Secrets 1). The synopsis for Unbroken Ties is…

Unbroken Ties, Keeping Secrets Book 2

Trouble is brewing and tensions are high in Carwick, where Temperance is struggling to belong.

The wizards distrust her, the werewolves despise her, and someone wants her dead.

With Halvard’s duties drawing…

View original 68 more words

Holidays

‘I’m going on holidays,’ Jimmy said. ‘And I’m taking the entire family.’

‘Great!’

‘Sand, sea and sun.’

‘Good for you. It’ll be good to get away for a bit. A change is as good as a rest!’

‘I’m going to get the kids to build sandcastles, swim in the ocean and bury Grandad in the sand.’

‘You shouldn’t do that.’

‘Shouldn’t do what?’

‘Get the kids to bury Grandad in the sand.’

‘Why not? They did it last year.’

‘He wasn’t fucking dead last year, Jimmy.’