The Horse Whisperer

‘Have you ever shoed a horse?’ I asked, as Jimmy narrowly avoided a kick to the head from the clearly distressed horse.

‘No, but I’ve told a donkey to fuck off,’ Jimmy replied, tossing the horse shoe away. ‘I give up.’

‘Why did you agree to do it?’

‘A friend of mine is away and said his horse needed to be shoed. I volunteered.’

‘That was stupid.’

‘It might even be worse than the time I spent the entire Irish Blind Society’s budget on a firework display. I never saw that one backfiring.’

‘In a way, neither did they.’

‘True. But what am I going to do with this horse?’

‘You’ll have to find someone who knows what they are doing.’

‘It’s a pity my Uncle Peter isn’t around. He would know what to do. We used to call him the horse whisperer.’

‘Because he was good with horses?’

‘No. Because he had throat cancer.’

 

The Psychotic Postman

MAX POWER

 

I have a dog who loves to bark. He looks scarily like the dog in the picture above. His name is Maximus Decimus Meridius (movie fanatics will understand) and he takes his house minding duties very seriously. Nobody that he does not know gets in via any entrance no matter how big or small. He loves to bite too.

One time, around October, Irish winter so it is dark at 5.00pm. I had moved house and me and my cousin were checking out the backyard in the dark (I know it all sounds a little George Michael now, but get those filthy thoughts out of your head) and through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up locked in a shed. I bang on the door of the shed, but my cousin is laughing outside and has no intention of releasing me from the shed.

Eventually he does.

However, he ducks into the house before I can connect my shoe with his arse. So I run after him and next thing Maximus Decimus Meridius, who has been hiding under some bushes in the corner of the garden, leaps out and thinks someone is running across the yard, in the dark, towards the door of the house.

So he leaps out, and bites me before quickly letting go.

Then he hears my voice and looks up at me pitifully, and his face was all like; Dude, my bad, but seriously what are you doing running around in the fucking dark? Can’t you see I have a job to do here?

I couldn’t be too hard on him. Five minutes earlier and it would have been my cousin who got bit and then the dog would have been a hero and received a treat. Good doggy! Very good Maximus Decimus Meridius!!

He hates the postman. He barks at him all the time.  In fact, a lot of my letters are ripped because he would leap up and snap at the letters coming through the letterbox. Then out of pure frustration that the postman still had all five fingers attached, he would tear the letters apart.

I was worried about the postman, so I put a small postbox outside the front door, so the postman could put the letters in there.  Of course, the postman ignored it. The dog kept barking and doing his imitation of a paper shredder. So I pointed out the new postbox to the postman, which was obvious and not that hard to miss.

But…it turns out Maximus Decimus Meridius was onto something, and the postman was more than a little crazy because he kept ignoring the postbox. So I nailed the inside of the letterbox shut, now he would have to use the other postbox, and so he did.

But he took it to the extreme.

The postbox is designed only for letters. This postman, however, was a little special, so he tries to ram, and I mean literally ram in parcels that even the most cursory of glances would tell you would never fit in there. In fact, he knows this, because they get stuck halfway.

I sometimes order books, comics, DVDs and other stuff, usually things that might be difficult to purchase, and so I order them online and they are promptly delivered. However, they are damaged by the psychotic postman. What a knob, I have often muttered out loud as I try to free a parcel from the postbox.

It is nearly always damaged.

Now, I no longer care about the postman and his fingers, in fact, I got my own back on him by going to the door completely naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

 

Christopher Hitchens-If You Can Talk, You Can Write

 

I really enjoyed the bit about ‘If you can talk, then you can write’. I didn’t always agree with the late Christopher Hitchens and his views, especially his views on Muslims post 9/11, maybe I am wrong but I think he got swept up in the war fever that gripped America at the time, anyway, I always enjoyed his views on religion and atheism. He could be devastatingly witty and erudite at the same time.

Life In Plastic, It’s Fantastic!

‘I was reading this article about Mattel, the world’s largest toymaker, said its global sales had fallen 9% in the three months to the end of June, as demand for its Barbie dolls and Fisher Price toys fell faster than an Israeli missile on kids playing at a beach,’ I said.

‘Not enough variety in Barbie for contemporary society,’ Jimmy replied. ‘I mean Barbie always looks Caucasian, tall, thin and blonde, like some inch perfect 1960’s housewife. They should bring Barbie into the 21st Century, like Obese Barbie, Diabetic Barbie, Blind Barbie, Amputee Barbie, and then Dead Barbie, Dead Barbie has her own pink coffin and funeral accessories sold separately.’

‘Yeah, you never see a pregnant Barbie.’

‘That’s because Ken came in another box,’ Jimmy replied. ‘The dirty wanker.’

Seagulls

Steven-Seagull-730

 

Like some kind of Irish version of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, one Irish politician has decided in the age of austerity, poverty and high unemployment, that people should stop worrying about cancelled Garth Brooks concerts and should instead focus on the very real problem of………seagulls

Dublin seagulls to be precise, obviously a different breed of a seagull than the seagulls the rest of us has to put up with regularly.

‘Dublin seagulls have lost the run of themselves completely and must be stopped!’ Ned O’ Sullivan said.

Ned O’Sullivan said seagulls have “lost the run of themselves” in Dublin City and are even taking lollipops from children.

The bastards, is there no low these pesky seagulls won’t sink to? It’s bad enough they leave your car looking like Jason Pollock did the paintwork, but they are stealing lollipops from kids too? That is where I draw the line. We need to take some lessons from Israel and react to a tickle with an almighty fucking punch. We need Steven Seagal Seagull to kick their feathered arses, so they stop behaving like animals.

I do agree with Ned on the seagulls though, seagulls really are the Chavs of the sky. They skwawk at you aggressively while you’re minding your own business, mess up your car when you leave it parked, breed recklessly and scavenge wherever they go, and it is illegal to shoot them.

E-Joints

You’ve heard of E-Cigarettes, right? Well, now thanks to the wonderful people in The Netherlands (I feel sorry they got knocked out of the World Cup now, ah, well, maybe they might get a Nobel prize for this) they have produced the world’s first electronic spliff and they are being rolled out across Europe.

Produced in the Netherlands, it allows users to fill the stick with their own cannabis liquid or dry herbs.

It is being produced by E-Njoint BV, which already makes 10,000 fruit-flavoured joints every day, and, which are sent out throughout Europe. They contain no tobacco and are 100 percent legal.

The company is now in discussion with a business specialising in helping produce products for the health industry. Brilliant, finally a cure for my made-up undiagnosed back pain.

Of course, any such attempt to legalise cannabis/marijuana will be met with staunch resistance here in Ireland. The Church would oppose it, the same way they opposed condoms, the pill, abortion, divorce, same-sex marriage, happiness, peace and compassion.

Same-sex marriage and legalised drugs. In the same century? I don’t think so. The religious folk will be screaming from the rafters. However, it was God after all who said that if a man lay with another man, he should be stoned. That sounds like an endorsement of same-sex marriage and cannabis to me. Sex and drugs, that is what the Bible is all about, and leprosy, there is a fair bit of leprosy in it too.

I think Jesus would approve though. In fact, I think he would be all ‘Judge Not Least You Be Judged’ about drugs, and he would probably try some of it himself. In fact, I think he’d try all of it. Send out his disciples to get him a little of everything. Jesus would be waiting at the door and next thing Paul would be knocking on it.

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Paul.’

Jesus opens the door. ‘What gifts have you brought me, Paul?’

‘Hashish from Morocco.’

‘Fair play, Paul, fair play. I’m going to move you up my list of favourites. Let’s go smoke some shit.’

Another knock …

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Mark.’

Jesus opens the door. ‘Mark, you little rascal, what have you brought me, your lord and saviour?’

‘Marijuana from Colombia.’

‘Fair fucks, Mark,’ Jesus shouts, slapping Mark on the back.

Another knock …

‘Who is it?”

‘It’s Matthew.’

Jesus opens the door. ‘Matthew, what ya got for me?’’

‘Cocaine from Bolivia.’

‘Deadly stuff, Matthew!’

Of course, even Jesus is not immune from friends in low places, and the next knock on the door would be Judas.

‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Judas.’

Jesus would open the door wearily. Once crucified, twice shy. ‘What did you bring Judas?’

‘Four cops and a sniffer dog, motherfucker!’

 
There’s always one.

 

Huh? What’cha say? Cuts?

The Irish Government recently cut €1.2 million funding from 26 organisations, which provide services for people with rare and severe disabilities. The reduced funding means The Irish Deaf Society will close its advocacy service. The Migraine Association is fucked as is the Huntingdon’s Disease Association.

The Irish austerity policy of taking from the poor to give to the rich has moved onto they have no money take whatever small meagre semblance of hope they might possess stage, and early indications are it is working well. We’ll be out of economic debt in no time.

The few remaining survivors will be living in an economic fucking wasteland, but some old, rich, white men in suits will be able to put away a few million Euros for their grandchildren’s nieces. That’s nice.

I think the Irish Deaf Society is a shrewd move by the Government. It’s a win-win situation. You save some cash, and they are all deaf so it’s not like they are going to hear about it. And even if they did, what would do they? Take to the streets and protest against the decision?

‘What do we want?’

‘Hearing aids.’

‘When do we want it?’

‘Hearing aids.’