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My Heart Will Go On and on and on and on

Sort of related to my last post, but this one actually happened. For about two years, up until recently I lived next door to a guy, who was a complete asswipe. I mean, he really drove me mad, him and his wife.

From Monday to Friday, this guy was as quiet as a mouse, he was always polite and pleasant to talk to. He would always come out at Christmas, knock on the door and give some present and a Christmas card.

The problem with this guy was every weekend starting on Friday and going right through until Sunday, he would play music at full volume, all night, now I know some people use ‘all night’ as a sort of cliché and they do not mean it, like someone might say ‘we were at a party, and we stayed up all night’ but it is just a way of saying ‘we went to bed really late.’

I, on the other hand, literally mean all night, the music would not stop until 9.00am, having started around 9.00 or 10.00 pm the night before. And he played such bizarre music. He obviously had a collection of theme songs, from television shows like Knight Rider and movies like Titanic, the two songs that he played on loop throughout the night were the theme tune from Knight Rider and Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, and it did go on, and on, and on, all fecking night.

This happened every weekend, so he needed to have a little talking to. He apologized. He would turn the music down. It was all very civil. Peace talks initiated. Problem solved.

However, he did it again and again Fuck it. There goes Celine again. There goes the theme tune from Knight Rider again and again God, how I hate that show. And it did not matter how many times he was spoken to. Texts were sent to his mobile phone during the night; Turn it down. Music too loud.

He always apologized the next day, but it was quite obvious that two-thirds of fuck all was going to happen. I was right. It continued and then when I was considering phoning his landlord and having the lunatic thrown out, through quitting his job, he could no longer afford the rent of the house and had to move, and silence took his place.
Now every time I hear My Heart Will Go On, or I see or hear anything to do with Knight Rider; I think of his face staring up at me from a pit of Zombeavers.

 

Neighbours

‘My neighbours are the most ignorant, rudest, shower of whores I have ever met,’ Jimmy said.

‘You have lots in common then,’ I replied.

‘The other day, I knocked on their front door and asked if I could use their lawnmower, and he says, of course you can use it, as long as I didn’t take it out of his garden, and slams the door in my face.’

‘That was rude.’

‘Him and his six children,’ Jimmy muttered in disgust. ‘Is he allergic to latex? Seeing people like that makes me glad I don’t pay taxes. It’s like my father used to say: give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But give him a disability benefit form and he can have takeaways every night for life…or something like that.’

‘Maybe if you moved your midnight bagpipe practice sessions to someone else’s house, they might warm to you a little more.’

‘Trust me, you could not warm to these people if you were cremated with them,’ Jimmy retorted. ‘I did make an effort though, for Easter, I gave them six eggs.’

‘That was very thoughtful and generous of you.’

‘Yeah, now all the bastards have to do is scrape them off their front door.’

Stewart Lee

The world of publishing is in crisis: publishers sell hot titles as massive discounts to supermarkets, driving independent publishers out of business. I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Remember that? Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Or Harry Potter and the Stick of Wood. Or Harry Potter and the Forest of Embarrassment. Or Harry Potter and the meh meh meh. Anyway, I was in Tesco’s, and they were literally delivering the new Harry Potter books on forklift trucks, on pallets, into the supermarket. “Get your books! Pile up the books! Get a multi-pack of books! Why not take an extra book home, put it in the freezer?” You know, those Harry Potter books, you know they’re for children, don’t you? They’re aimed at children. People do that to me, “Have you read the new Harry Potter book, Stew, it’s good, have you read it?” No, I haven’t read it, because I’m a forty-year-old man. “You should read it, Stew, it’s about a wizard in a school.” I’m not reading it! I’m a grown— I’m an adult! “Have you read Harry Potter, Stew, and the— and the Tree of Nothing?” No, I haven’t. I haven’t read it, but I have read the complete works of the romantic poet and visionary William Blake. So fuck off.

Stewart Lee-On Books

It’s no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world’s most successful writers… Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like “The famous man looked at the red cup.” …and it’s only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he’s required to break bad news. “Doctor is he going to be alright?” “The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table… it was sad”.

Stewart Lee-On Dan Brown

The eighteenth-century polymath Thomas Young was the last person to have read all the books published in his lifetime. That means that he would’ve read all the Shakespeare and all the Greek and Roman classics and all the theology and all the philosophy and all the science. But the same man today, a man who had read all the books published today, would’ve had to’ve read all Dan Brown’s novels, two volumes of Chris Moyles’ autobiography, The World According to Clarkson by Jeremy Clarkson, The World according to Clarkson II by Jeremy Clarkson, The World according to Clarkson III by Jeremy Clarkson… his mind would be awash with bad metaphors and unsustainable, reactionary opinion; one long anecdote about the time that Comedy Dave put pound coins in the urinal. In short, the man who had read everything published today would be more stupid than a man who had read nothing. That’s not a good state of affairs.

Stewart Lee-On Literature

I don’t know if I’m the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I’ve become religious, I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts.

Stewart Lee-On Religion