Month: September 2012

He Had A Theory Too, He Said That God Takes Care Of Himself And You Of You

‘If you could have one superpower what would it be?’ Jimmy asked as he nailed his foot to a floorboard in a bid to sell his invention of year around, recyclable skies to Dragons Den

‘I’d like to be able to fly.’

‘That is why we have airplanes.’

‘I know. But I am talking about Superman kind of flying. Bang. Be in New York in under a minute.’

‘You know they would think you were one of President Maninastraitjacket’s Iranian nukes and blow you clean out of the atmosphere?’

‘Probably,’ I replied watching as Jimmy injected more morphine he had stolen from his cancer riddled grandmothers death bed before taking a drill to his left foot. ‘What superpower would you want?’

‘I’d become invisible.’

‘What would you do first?’

‘I’d find a performing street mime and beat him to death with an iron bar. It would go down as the greatest performance by a mime of all time and the round of applause he would get would be astounding. Nobody would ever figure out how he pulled it off.’

‘You know I don’t think Dragon’s Den is really the place you need right now. The hospital might be better able to stop the bleeding…and remove the floorboards from your feet.’

‘Hey look,’ Jimmy said deliriously as he pulled his feet free of the nail. ‘I’m like that guy from Nazareth. I got tomato.’

‘It’s stigmata and I really think you need a doctor.’

‘Tomato, tamahto,’ Jimmy said, putting his right foot out and his left foot in as he did the Hokey Pokey before passing out on the floor of the kitchen.

Beer Scooters


How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought ‘How did I get home?’ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks (without their knowledge) by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the ‘slurring gland’ begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out ‘What happened?’

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person’s EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.

Independent studies have also shown that beer goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring marked shins.

Most useful of all is the on-board heater which allows you to get home from the bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 60 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

Someone sent this to me and sharing is caring. :)