Month: August 2012

The Girl With The Anus Tattoo

 

On another blog I left a comment about strange search terms that led people to my blog. Now most other people had a wide array of weird and fucked up search terms that brought people to their blog but I only had one, the girl with the anus tattoo, after that it is mostly people with song lyrics, can you imagine how disappointed they are when they are looking for a Snow Patrol song and find a post about a man pinned under a car and Jimmy leaving him there. Shit happens, right?

These are some of my favourites from other blogs:

Feet in a pussy

Cockroach eating ear

Pump horse sperm stomach

I like to chew on ear moulds

Mitt the clit Romney

Gay loincloth

Cough up a lot of blood chunky stuff cocaine

Penis pump parade

Ass beard generator

Q&A With Harry Potter

 

I’ve seen this phase of doing interviews with famous characters from books being done on a number of blogs. Being a big (I watched twenty minutes of the first film or maybe it was the third one, that counts as being a fan, right?) Harry Potter fan I couldn’t miss the opportunity to interview the Big Man himself Jesus Christ Harry Potter. So I gathered my interviewing equipment and went to interview the world’s most famous wizard.

JD: So Harry, with the Harry Potter films now finished, do you feel that being a child wizard in such a phenomenally successful franchise as the Harry potter movies, that perhaps you had your childhood, or at least a chunk of it has been taken from you?

POTTER: Sure, JD, Yeah I see where you are going with this, mate. There is a lot of pressure being me, being Harry; everyone wants you to be Harry even when you don’t want to be Harry.

JD: Fans?

Potter takes a box of cigarettes from the breast pocket of his shirt, lights one, eyes me up as he smokes it inch by cancerous inch, then without warning, he rips his shirt open and uses his right nipple as an ashtray.

POTTER: Fans, family, girlfriends.

JD: Girlfriends?

POTTER: Yes, mate. Was shagging this bird and she wanted me to be Harry Potter. I thought, fuck it, I’ll do it, no problem, so I got my gear on, glasses, magic marker for the scar and stuck my magic wand in her, and when we are finished I lock her in the cupboard under the stairs until the next time she wants to be screwed for a few bucks. Just like Harry.

JD:  Do you watch any of the old Potter films now that it is all over?

POTTER:  No, I banned Harry Potter films from my house. I didn’t think it was right to let my children see me wanking over Emma Watson.

Potter produced a little bag of cocaine and began chopping lines with the tip of his wand before snorting two lines.

JD: I see…I think we should wrap this up.

POTTER: You want one?

JD: No, I’m good…what is your all time favourite movie? The one you wished you had been in?’

POTTER:  Tough one. There are so many. I love porn films. I have a list; you wanna see the list, fuckface?

JD: Okay.

I took the list and ran my eyes over it.

Inspect her Gadget

The Boner Ultimatum

Lawrence of A Labia

Womb Raider

One Blew Over The Hookers Chest

Too Tight For The Seven Dwarves

Crouching Minor, Hidden Jacko

Bend Hur

Everybody Does Raymond

Beverly Hills Cock

The Sperminator

The Italian Blow Job

World Whore One: Deep In The Trenches

Robocock and the sequel Robocunt

On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix

JD: That is an interesting list, Harry.

POTTER: Not as interesting as shoving a hamster up your arse through a straw…the stories I could tell, man. Would make crows blush, mate, so it would.

I nodded, grabbed my laptop and ran like diarrhoea out the door.

An Honest Mistake

 

‘Whatever about this financial depression, alcohol is dirt cheap,’ Jimmy said. ‘I bought a case of beer the other day for five Euro.’

‘Sounds cheap. Did you give it to some underage teenagers?’

‘No. Why do you ask?

‘Because the cops arrested you.’

‘That was an honest misunderstanding.’

‘What happened?’

‘You see on my way in to the supermarket to buy the beer I saw this guy’s car had a puncture and he was getting out the jack to change it. On my way back out I was crossing the car-park when I saw that the jack had collapsed and the man was pinned under the car.’

‘Shit.’

‘Yeah, I know. The car was ruined.’

‘Is he okay?’

‘Fine. The cops told me he had ruptured his spine, his spleen and his brain looks like someone tried to force it through a cheese grater so he has to eat through a tube inserted in to his anus and attached to his mouth so the food goes in one end and then the poo is sucked back out the other end just like in the Human Centipede. They have to do that because the Germans told us we cannot afford two separate tubes.’

‘Why were you arrested?’

‘As I was walking across the car park, the guy shouted out; Get help,’ Jimmy replied, ‘so I took a sip from one of my cans of beer and I shouted back; fuck you, I don’t need help, I can quit anytime I want and left him there.’