I’ve seen this phase of doing interviews with famous characters from books being done on a number of blogs. Being a big (I watched twenty minutes of the first film or maybe it was the third one, that counts as being a fan, right?) Harry Potter fan I couldn’t miss the opportunity to interview the Big Man himself Jesus Christ Harry Potter. So I gathered my interviewing equipment and went to interview the world’s most famous wizard.
JD: So Harry, with the Harry Potter films now finished, do you feel that being a child wizard in such a phenomenally successful franchise as the Harry potter movies, that perhaps you had your childhood, or at least a chunk of it has been taken from you?
POTTER: Sure, JD, Yeah I see where you are going with this, mate. There is a lot of pressure being me, being Harry; everyone wants you to be Harry even when you don’t want to be Harry.
JD: Fans?
Potter takes a box of cigarettes from the breast pocket of his shirt, lights one, eyes me up as he smokes it inch by cancerous inch, then without warning, he rips his shirt open and uses his right nipple as an ashtray.
POTTER: Fans, family, girlfriends.
JD: Girlfriends?
POTTER: Yes, mate. Was shagging this bird and she wanted me to be Harry Potter. I thought, fuck it, I’ll do it, no problem, so I got my gear on, glasses, magic marker for the scar and stuck my magic wand in her, and when we are finished I lock her in the cupboard under the stairs until the next time she wants to be screwed for a few bucks. Just like Harry.
JD: Do you watch any of the old Potter films now that it is all over?
POTTER: No, I banned Harry Potter films from my house. I didn’t think it was right to let my children see me wanking over Emma Watson.
Potter produced a little bag of cocaine and began chopping lines with the tip of his wand before snorting two lines.
JD: I see…I think we should wrap this up.
POTTER: You want one?
JD: No, I’m good…what is your all time favourite movie? The one you wished you had been in?’
POTTER: Tough one. There are so many. I love porn films. I have a list; you wanna see the list, fuckface?
JD: Okay.
I took the list and ran my eyes over it.
Inspect her Gadget
The Boner Ultimatum
Lawrence of A Labia
Womb Raider
One Blew Over The Hookers Chest
Too Tight For The Seven Dwarves
Crouching Minor, Hidden Jacko
Bend Hur
Everybody Does Raymond
Beverly Hills Cock
The Sperminator
The Italian Blow Job
World Whore One: Deep In The Trenches
Robocock and the sequel Robocunt
On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix
JD: That is an interesting list, Harry.
POTTER: Not as interesting as shoving a hamster up your arse through a straw…the stories I could tell, man. Would make crows blush, mate, so it would.
I nodded, grabbed my laptop and ran like diarrhoea out the door.
