Month: May 2012

Come Down From The Cross, We Can Use The Wood

The other day I saw a bumper sticker with the words What Would Jesus Do? printed on it. I’ve seen bracelets with WWJD, t-shirts, stationery and even glow in the dark condoms with-okay maybe not the condoms – but you get the idea, they are everywhere, well, not everywhere, you don’t see a whole lot of them in Iraq for instance, but mostly everywhere. It is a good question, what would Jesus do? Keep in mind that Jesus got himself crucified so his decision making skills are at best questionable. What would Jesus do if Mary was pro-choice? Or one of his disciples was gay?

What would Jesus do?

What Would Nicki Minaj Do?

What Would J.D. Do?

I like the sound of that, forget J.C. What Would J.D. Do? Now there is a bumper sticker worth putting on your car. The answer is not 42, the answer is; J.D. would probably end this post so he can see if it’s possible to get a few car bumper stickers made on the cheap. I wonder if I could like just get one sticker made for my car, it would be  a pain in the arse if you had to order them in bulk, like 5000 units or something, okay I know where one is going but what about the other 4,999? I could just hand them out to random strangers on the street, I suppose.

JD: Here, have a car bumper sticker.

STRANGER: What would J.D. do?

JD: Yeah.

STRANGER: Who the fuck is JD?

JD: That would be me.

STRANGER: Who the fuck are you?

JD: I’m a blogger and writer and stuff.

STRANGER: Well what would you do?’

JD: About what?

STRANGER: Well first my sister got mad cow disease and died, then my brother got bird flu and died, and now I have swine flu. So what would J.D. do?’

JD: He would probably use it to create a long winded and totally irrelevant post on his blog, where he could finally use the obscure but relevant punch-line: Oh my God, it is FARMAGEDDON!

The Prima Donna Life, The Rise And Fall

I was recently asked to describe myself, it’s such an annoying question, describe yourself, okay, I am human, the male of the species, known taxonomically as Homo sapiens. Anatomically I originated in Africa about 200,000 years ago, give or take a few years, quite good at abstract reasoning, language, introspection and am partial to a bit of problem solving. This unique trait combined with an erect body carriage allows my hands the freedom to manipulate objects to my advantage, and allowed my species to make far greater use of tools than any other living species on planet Earth. Other higher-level thought processes include but are not confined to self-awareness, rationality and sapience, these are thought by other Homo sapiens to be the definitive terms and conditions of what makes a person, what makes me.

I can be a bit of a prick sometimes

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It And I Feel Fine

Five Signs You Might Be Hungover

  1. You wake up and you think that you are going to die and twenty minutes later you are terrified that you won’t.
  2. You wake up in a dumpster, spit out one of your broken teeth, drag yourself to your feet, gingerly examine your bust and swollen lip, brush yourself off and say to an old woman passing by with a blue umbrella on her way to Sunday morning mass; ‘Shit, this is no way for a pope to behave.’
  3. You fall asleep while taking a dump.
  4. You wake up the morning after to put on your clothes but there aren’t any.
  5. You explain to your girlfriend that you spent the money you got from selling her chiwawa on drink and women and the rest you wasted.