I have a dog who loves to bark. He looks scarily like the dog in the picture above. His name is Maximus Decimus Meridius (movie fanatics will understand) and he takes his house minding duties very seriously. Nobody that he does not know gets in via any entrance no matter how big or small. He loves to bite too.
One time, around October, Irish winter so it is dark at 5.00pm. I had moved house and me and my cousin were checking out the backyard in the dark (I know it all sounds a little George Michael now, but get those filthy thoughts out of your head) and through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up locked in a shed. I bang on the door of the shed, but my cousin is laughing outside and has no intention of releasing me from the shed.
Eventually he does.
However, he ducks into the house before I can connect my shoe with his arse. So I run after him and next thing Maximus Decimus Meridius, who has been hiding under some bushes in the corner of the garden, leaps out and thinks someone is running across the yard, in the dark, towards the door of the house.
So he leaps out, and bites me before quickly letting go.
Then he hears my voice and looks up at me pitifully, and his face was all like; Dude, my bad, but seriously what are you doing running around in the fucking dark? Can’t you see I have a job to do here?
I couldn’t be too hard on him. Five minutes earlier and it would have been my cousin who got bit and then the dog would have been a hero and received a treat. Good doggy! Very good Maximus Decimus Meridius!!
He hates the postman. He barks at him all the time. In fact, a lot of my letters are ripped because he would leap up and snap at the letters coming through the letterbox. Then out of pure frustration that the postman still had all five fingers attached, he would tear the letters apart.
I was worried about the postman, so I put a small postbox outside the front door, so the postman could put the letters in there. Of course, the postman ignored it. The dog kept barking and doing his imitation of a paper shredder. So I pointed out the new postbox to the postman, which was obvious and not that hard to miss.
But…it turns out Maximus Decimus Meridius was onto something, and the postman was more than a little crazy because he kept ignoring the postbox. So I nailed the inside of the letterbox shut, now he would have to use the other postbox, and so he did.
But he took it to the extreme.
The postbox is designed only for letters. This postman, however, was a little special, so he tries to ram, and I mean literally ram in parcels that even the most cursory of glances would tell you would never fit in there. In fact, he knows this, because they get stuck halfway.
I sometimes order books, comics, DVDs and other stuff, usually things that might be difficult to purchase, and so I order them online and they are promptly delivered. However, they are damaged by the psychotic postman. What a knob, I have often muttered out loud as I try to free a parcel from the postbox.
It is nearly always damaged.
Now, I no longer care about the postman and his fingers, in fact, I got my own back on him by going to the door completely naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.