My Heart Will Go On and on and on and on

Sort of related to my last post, but this one actually happened. For about two years, up until recently I lived next door to a guy, who was a complete asswipe. I mean, he really drove me mad, him and his wife.

From Monday to Friday, this guy was as quiet as a mouse, he was always polite and pleasant to talk to. He would always come out at Christmas, knock on the door and give some present and a Christmas card.

The problem with this guy was every weekend starting on Friday and going right through until Sunday, he would play music at full volume, all night, now I know some people use ‘all night’ as a sort of cliché and they do not mean it, like someone might say ‘we were at a party, and we stayed up all night’ but it is just a way of saying ‘we went to bed really late.’

I, on the other hand, literally mean all night, the music would not stop until 9.00am, having started around 9.00 or 10.00 pm the night before. And he played such bizarre music. He obviously had a collection of theme songs, from television shows like Knight Rider and movies like Titanic, the two songs that he played on loop throughout the night were the theme tune from Knight Rider and Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, and it did go on, and on, and on, all fecking night.

This happened every weekend, so he needed to have a little talking to. He apologized. He would turn the music down. It was all very civil. Peace talks initiated. Problem solved.

However, he did it again and again Fuck it. There goes Celine again. There goes the theme tune from Knight Rider again and again God, how I hate that show. And it did not matter how many times he was spoken to. Texts were sent to his mobile phone during the night; Turn it down. Music too loud.

He always apologized the next day, but it was quite obvious that two-thirds of fuck all was going to happen. I was right. It continued and then when I was considering phoning his landlord and having the lunatic thrown out, through quitting his job, he could no longer afford the rent of the house and had to move, and silence took his place.
Now every time I hear My Heart Will Go On, or I see or hear anything to do with Knight Rider; I think of his face staring up at me from a pit of Zombeavers.

 

Neighbours

‘My neighbours are the most ignorant, rudest, shower of whores I have ever met,’ Jimmy said.

‘You have lots in common then,’ I replied.

‘The other day, I knocked on their front door and asked if I could use their lawnmower, and he says, of course you can use it, as long as I didn’t take it out of his garden, and slams the door in my face.’

‘That was rude.’

‘Him and his six children,’ Jimmy muttered in disgust. ‘Is he allergic to latex? Seeing people like that makes me glad I don’t pay taxes. It’s like my father used to say: give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But give him a disability benefit form and he can have takeaways every night for life…or something like that.’

‘Maybe if you moved your midnight bagpipe practice sessions to someone else’s house, they might warm to you a little more.’

‘Trust me, you could not warm to these people if you were cremated with them,’ Jimmy retorted. ‘I did make an effort though, for Easter, I gave them six eggs.’

‘That was very thoughtful and generous of you.’

‘Yeah, now all the bastards have to do is scrape them off their front door.’

Stewart Lee

The world of publishing is in crisis: publishers sell hot titles as massive discounts to supermarkets, driving independent publishers out of business. I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Remember that? Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Or Harry Potter and the Stick of Wood. Or Harry Potter and the Forest of Embarrassment. Or Harry Potter and the meh meh meh. Anyway, I was in Tesco’s, and they were literally delivering the new Harry Potter books on forklift trucks, on pallets, into the supermarket. “Get your books! Pile up the books! Get a multi-pack of books! Why not take an extra book home, put it in the freezer?” You know, those Harry Potter books, you know they’re for children, don’t you? They’re aimed at children. People do that to me, “Have you read the new Harry Potter book, Stew, it’s good, have you read it?” No, I haven’t read it, because I’m a forty-year-old man. “You should read it, Stew, it’s about a wizard in a school.” I’m not reading it! I’m a grown— I’m an adult! “Have you read Harry Potter, Stew, and the— and the Tree of Nothing?” No, I haven’t. I haven’t read it, but I have read the complete works of the romantic poet and visionary William Blake. So fuck off.

Stewart Lee-On Books

It’s no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world’s most successful writers… Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like “The famous man looked at the red cup.” …and it’s only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he’s required to break bad news. “Doctor is he going to be alright?” “The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table… it was sad”.

Stewart Lee-On Dan Brown

The eighteenth-century polymath Thomas Young was the last person to have read all the books published in his lifetime. That means that he would’ve read all the Shakespeare and all the Greek and Roman classics and all the theology and all the philosophy and all the science. But the same man today, a man who had read all the books published today, would’ve had to’ve read all Dan Brown’s novels, two volumes of Chris Moyles’ autobiography, The World According to Clarkson by Jeremy Clarkson, The World according to Clarkson II by Jeremy Clarkson, The World according to Clarkson III by Jeremy Clarkson… his mind would be awash with bad metaphors and unsustainable, reactionary opinion; one long anecdote about the time that Comedy Dave put pound coins in the urinal. In short, the man who had read everything published today would be more stupid than a man who had read nothing. That’s not a good state of affairs.

Stewart Lee-On Literature

I don’t know if I’m the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I’ve become religious, I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts.

Stewart Lee-On Religion

Have Fun In The Showers, Oscar

I’m not sure how much Oscar ‘I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night, so I jumped up, checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door, turns out there was no one there, my bad, guys, my bad’ Pistorius is paying his legal team but clearly it is not enough or they are not good enough, the guy is floundering, and all ‘he hasn’t a leg to stand on’ jokes aside, the guy sounds like even he does not believe what he is saying, he chops, he changes key events, she never screamed, uh, well she might have but I did not hear over the sound of the gunshots, the amount of times Pistorius says something, then changes it, then denies saying it before denying changing it, before saying that it was a mistake and he meant to say what he originally said, by which time nobody can remember what the fuck he said in the first instance is becoming a joke.

Pistorius is like a politician, he is so crooked he has to sleep on a spiral staircase. I have seen without a shadow of a doubt guilty psychopaths with better stories, at least they sound like they believe what they are saying is true, even if nobody else does.

I don’t think Pistorius will be entering any races for the rest of his life, and if justice is served then maybe a few different races will be entering him in the not too distant future.

 

Report Finds Recession Is Bad, Water is Wet, And The Sun Is Hot

Bunclody is officially the most economically depressed town in Ireland, a new report by Teagasc shows. The County Wexford town, classified as Bunclody-Carrickduff in the report, is the worst performer out of 302 towns included. Along with Tipperary, Rathkeale, Abbeyfeale and the rest of the country. Using an index based on unemployment rate and inward migration figures, the food and agriculture development agency ran the rule over all towns with a population of more than 1,500.

Many of the men and women who live in Bunclody, have lost more than half their assets and cash, without the pleasure of getting a divorce. Suicide and depression rates are high, especially among young males, local counselling services have been reduced to handing out blow-up dolls to depressed males, but many of these have burst due to inflation.

The firefighters of Bunclody have been forced to take up part-time work as arsonists, in order to create overtime to make up for cuts in wages and tax increases.

The report also revealed the water is wet, the sun is hot, and the main cause of poverty in Ireland was poor people.

Dylan Moran

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette… unless you’re actually a doctor working at an incubator.
On laws in Ireland prohibiting smoking in buildings where people work

But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up; you go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You’ll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you and ask, “How was last night?”. You’ll say, “It was fantastic! …I can’t see. No sense- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can’t even form sentences! You should’ve come; you would’ve at least lost an ear!”

People do… need… things… that are bad for them. They do. Stimulants and so on. They always have. Every so often, some politician or footballer or actor or whoever it is is caught in a hotel room, surrounded by hookers and cocaine. And everybody else goes: “Oh, the shame of it! How could he? How absolutely dreadful! I’d never do that… I’ve never had a chance, but I’d never ever do that! Oh, the disgust that courses through me right now — you could bottle it!” But what else are you supposed to give hookers in a hotel room? “Yogurt, anybody? I made some yogurt this morning, would you like some? It’s got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit.”
On public figures who get caught in hotel rooms with prostitutes and cocaine.

Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, “What is this? This is pointless! It’s – you can’t taste it, you can’t smell it… Why did we waste our money on this, bloody shit- why are we on a traffic island?”
On vodka.

It turns you into two people: one of you is very nice, you’ll go up to total strangers and say, “Come in, come in, sit down, for God’s sake, have something. Have my bed.” And then you’ll go up to people you’ve known and loved all your life and say, “Get the fuck out of my house! Go on, get out! And leave a tip!”
On whiskey

The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn’t really a drink, it’s more a mascara thinner. “Nobody likes my shoes!” “I made… I made fifty… fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you… not one of you… said ‘Thank you.’” And my favourite: “Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.”
On the effects of gin

The cookery programmes that everybody watches are ridiculous, and so are the house programmes. You know you do not need a fish tank in the atrium you haven’t got. And people now, feel under pressure to perform in their lives. Who has the time though? Who really has the time to skin the baby rabbit and dip it in the duck’s tears and nail it to the garden roof and get to work with the blow torch so it has just the right texture to match the squash you made that morning using just your elbows? Who has the time? Nobody lives like this! We go around thinking that everybody else does, you know? Because what happens is you come in from work, and you think… maybe at most, if you’re getting very adventurous, you will think “TONIGHT, we will eat something that has two colours in it!” BUT YOU DON’T! You end up sitting in front of the television, watching these programmes, eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread, because there’s isn’t time for this horse shit!
On cookery programmes.

You should stay away from your potential. I mean, that is something you should leave absolutely alone! You’ll mess it up! It’s potential, leave it! And anyway, it’s like your bank balance, you know – you always have much less than you think.[...] Leave it as the locked door within yourself and then at least, in your mind, the interior will always be palatial. Wonderful gleaming marble floors, brocaded drapes. Mullioned windows, covered in mullions, whatever they are. Flamingos serving drinks. Pianos shooting out canapés into the mouths of elegant men and women who are exchanging witticisms… “Oh yes, this reminds me of the time I was in Budapest with Binky… We were trying to steal a goose from the casino, muahahaha…” But it won’t be like that[...] You don’t want to find out that the most you could possibly achieve, if you gave it your all, if you harvested every screed of energy within you, and devoted yourself to improving yourself, that all you would get to, would be maybe eating less cheesy snacks.
But look at the people who use their potential— who do actually give it everything… The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They’re destroying themselves! Who’s happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. “YOU WANKER!”
On potential.

You see, most modern technology doesn’t work. It’s supposed to free you, but it’s a terrible trap, of course. Mobile phones for example – everybody has one now. I have one and they’re awful. They’ve completely ruined, I mean, people ring you up and say “Hi, it’s me, I’m in the bath!” and you go “Well, you’re still an asshole, I hope you drown and hello.” And they’ve completely dispensed with the whole drama of news, the simple idea of having something to relate, you know. When you could bound in from the garden and pick up the old Bakelite phone that weighted seven pounds and say “MIRRIAM’S DEAD”. You can’t do that anymore. You’re probably there watching her die. “Yes, her heads rolling back, spit’s coming out, her eyes are going everywhere, here I’ll take a picture – click – you see what I mean? Sheeee’s fucked!”
On mobile phones.

Everybody does that now. We all take pictures… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it – so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.
On taking pictures.

I remember when singers were singers. Ugly people. Aretha Franklin needed a lot of room to eat her chicken wings. Janis Joplin used to come out in clothes woven from her own vomit. Nina Simone, amazing singer, could look at a railway track and buckle it. It didn’t matter; They were beautiful people because of what they could do.
I have tried… believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
“I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, and all my limo’s powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo.” … “I’m gonna fuck you up. I’m gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!”
Describing rap music

Then this song came on—I will never forget it—it was called “The Funk Soul Brother.” And I will always remember that because it was also all of the lyrics… and it was that school of songwriting, you know, very easy on the words in case they get wasted, it sounded like a million fire engines chasing ten million ambulances through a war zone and was played at a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed. And it went, erm, “Funk soul brother… right about now… yeah… it’s the, it’s the funk soul brother… check it out. It’s, er, well… it’s the funk soul brother, essentially. He’s, er, he’s coming. He’s coming at you. It’s the… well… it’s the funk soul brother.” And after a while, I began to penetrate the meaning of this song, you know? I gathered that somebody was about to arrive, and everybody else was terribly excited – maybe he was bringing cake, or something, they didn’t say – but the thing was, you see, he wasn’t there yet. Ha ha, that was the hook! And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That’s all I’m saying.

On The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim

I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I’m fucked!
On driving

People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.’

On People

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

 

It has been 21 years since they made the last TMNT film: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993). I have all three on DVD somewhere.

This is great news for everyone who grew up watching TMNT and awful news for everyone suffering from chelonaphobia.

I loved watching the little green freaks when I was a kid, although in this version, they don’t look so little and Michael Bay has injected them with steroids. Not much else to see from the trailer, but I was hoping for someone to do a Christopher Nolan on TMNT and turn it into a Batman type film, a little dark and a little edgy, which is kind of there in the trailer but maybe that is just wishful thinking. No sign of Splinter and only a brief glimpse of the human can-opener that is Shredder.

When I heard Michael Bay was given the job of resurrecting TMNT, I thought he would probably make a mess of it, and then I heard Megan Fox was going to be April ‘O Neill and thought; fuck it. This will be Transformers with mutant turtles and stuff exploding every 1.4 seconds.

Maybe Bay will surprise me.